My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

There will never be an endTo this droning of the surf.

All ethics and morals are culturally relative. And Esme's reaction taught me that while cultural relativism is an easy concept to process intellectually, it is not, for many, an easy one to remember.

I consider discipline indispensable, but it must be inner discipline, motivated by a common purpose and a strong feeling of comradeship.

The fact that I have an ideology, however, doesn't mean I'm indoctrinated.

Put down the pen someone else gave you. No one ever drafted a life worth living on borrowed ink.

Well, at least I’m not a stubborn, button-pushing, Prius-driving, chip-on-your-shoulder-holding, ‘stay-at-home-mom’-is-the-eighth-dirty-word-thinking feminazi!

With suicide, it's a strange thing in Japanese culture. It's acceptable. My parents would have been devastated if my attempt had been successful, but they would have somehow accepted it.

Violence is a concession to human weakness, satyagraha is an obligation.

I'm a middle child, which is probably why I chose to be an actress. I needed the attention. I've got one older sister and a younger brother.

The anger on the left - I've never seen anything like it. I mean, they're right now opposing everything. Democrats in the Senate are filibustering absolutely everything.