Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

You will survive in any situation with hope.

Talk without the support of action means nothing.

She turned her can'ts into cans, and her DREAMS into plans! (Stuck on my screen, and always will be).

How true is the saying that the very highest in rank are always the most simple and kindly. It is from you half-and-half sort of people that you get pomposity and vulgarity

Em, I am trying to have an important conversation!" shouted Seylin. "I will not change into a cat!

That's where I'm comfortable - playing a jackass on the scene, rolling in with my pocket watch and my buffoon hairdo, with my shoes.

Hillary Clinton is taken in massive amounts of money from foreign countries and other things.

The status quo is never news, only challenges to it.

Life itself is your proper meal.

I don't think LeBron will win 5 rings, it's gonna be hard for him to catch up to Kobe.