I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

More violence does not necessarily equate with greater religious conviction.

My family always makes a huge deal out of Christmas.

We owe it to each other - and to our children and grandchildren - to leave our planet in a better state than when we found it.

The mystery surrounding Garbo was as thick as a London fog.

You don't have to believe that there was a King Arthur to get the significance of those stories, but Christians say we have to believe there was a Christ, or the miracles don't make sense.

In 2007 the 'dagger' of an idea that killed President Bush's effort at reforming the immigration system was lax border security.

Now children as young as nine carry AK47s which can kill 30 people in seconds.

If you aren't afraid to fail, then you probably don't care enough about success.

I like to make something beautiful when I run ... it's style. It's doing something better than anyone else. It's being creative.

Never wallow in your troubles; despair must be kept private and brief.