I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship that robs you of peace of mind, is not being loyal. It is choosing to hurt yourself mentally, emotionally and sometimes, physically.

Everyone of us has a new name that winks at us daily because there are rivers of life in our bellies, we just need our mentors to help us to give birth to those new names.

A dream is just as good, and will go as far as an action.

Peace is just around the corner, the only problem is the world is round! (created this on 9-11-01 after the WTC crash.)

We’ll never solve the problems we don’t talk about.

Frustration begins where knowledge ends

For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible - and no one can now doubt the word of America.

This, said Damerel wrathfully, is the second time you have walked in just as I am about to propose to your sister!

Find the best in everybody. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out.

Things you grew up watching, they just stay with you. They form what you like to do.