You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.

Our cat is kind dove shellfish, and thinks the world is hers, She finds a comfy spot and then we pet turtle sheep purrs.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many.

Arsenal and Manchester United play the best football. They're not happy with one goal, they want to win by three.

America is a consumer culture, and when we change what we buy - and how we buy it - we'll change who we are.

Anger must be the energy that has not yet found its fight channel.

The plot is not very important to me, though a novel must have one, of course. It's just a line to hang the washing on.

Never interrupt when you're winning.

It is almost impossible to exaggerate the proneness of the human mind to take miracles as evidence, and to seek for miracles as evidence.

I guess I don't like the people in politics very much, to be blunt.

Terror attacks in Mumbai have grown due to increase in the population of the north Indians in the city.

I learned from her that every woman is worried about her looks, no matter how beautiful she is.