In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

Our cat is kind dove shellfish, and thinks the world is hers, She finds a comfy spot and then we pet turtle sheep purrs.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

I love the semicolon; it's unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

As a man, casting off worn out garments taketh new ones, so the dweller in the body, entereth into ones that are new.

I am but a pawn on the chessboard of life!

A successful father is not more successful than his children.

Cross and resurrection are the South and North polls, true gospel polarities, of a single, undivided, salvation world. Remove either Paul and you've got salvation.

I know, my dear Watson, that you share my love of all that is bizarre and outside the conventions and humdrum routine of daily life.

... vulgarity has no nation.

I grew up on games like Madden and NBA Jam, then moved on to NFL 2K on Dreamcast. The game I really loved was Virtua Tennis.

The same wall that keeps out your disappointment also keeps out the sunlight of enriching experiences. So let life touch you. The next touch could be the one that turns your life around.

The new idea either finds a champion or it dies. No ordinary involvement with a new idea provides the energy required to cope with the indifference and resistance that change provokes.