It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

Our cat is kind dove shellfish, and thinks the world is hers, She finds a comfy spot and then we pet turtle sheep purrs.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

I love the semicolon; it's unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

Starting the Day— Another chance to be new again. How many of us still wish for that? To be your own sunrise. To awaken like a prayer -both solemn and joyful at still being alive.

Don't be too hard on me. Everyone has to sacrifice at the altar of stupidity from time to time.

No one but a woman can help a man when he is in trouble of the heart.

There seem to be a lot of black artists making very good videos that I'm surprised aren't being used on MTV.

Man does not only sell commodities, he sells himself and feels himself to be a commodity.

The most interesting things that happen in my books are usually the things that arise spontaneously, the things that surprise me.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

You know what really offers you satisfaction? Offering others what you have to give.

It is most true, stylus virum arguit, - our style betrays us.

My weight doesn't really fluctuate, but I make sure I don't eat late at night. It's about making sure I'm right physically because mentally I'm OK.