It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

Our cat is kind dove shellfish, and thinks the world is hers, She finds a comfy spot and then we pet turtle sheep purrs.

When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I've been issued.

In writing I found something I could do at least as well as my peers, if not better.

I love the semicolon; it's unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

Be selfless to find yourself.

There's no way you can get the past right. You can pretend. You can delude yourself, but you can't re-create what's over.

We are what we do.

Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women I have known.

It is nearly always the most improbable things that really come to pass.

Music, in the past few years... anything singable or understandable is square.

If you say, 'You've made it,' then you kind of come to a standstill, and I don't think any actor wants to do that.

We are now so far advanced in our denial of evil that we want to rationalise it away.

Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them.

Brands need to reinvent themselves from time to time to stay relevant.