You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Imprisoned peace sets the war free

Just smile and feel happy.

Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.

Hi! handsome hunting manFire your little gun.Bang! Now the animalis dead and dumb and done.Nevermore to peep again, creep again, leap again, Eat or sleep or drink again. Oh, what fun!

We can only feel sorry for ourselves when our misfortunes are still supportable. Once this limit is crossed, the only way to bear the unbearable is to laugh at it.

I started when I was 14. I figured out that's what I wanted to do when I was 14. Even when I was six, I can remember people telling me, "You're gonna be a comedian," and all this stuff.

That person I was when I was a lot younger is not who I am today.

even Mademoiselle Neubahr can't make me believe in hell. It doesn't seem a very - witty - solution of the crime-and-punishment situation, does it?

Nobody could disappear to their trailer once it was up and running, you were all there on the same stage. It was 10 days of rehearsal and 10 days of shooting, which was very tiring.

Everybody is a story.