I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

Poverty said the same thing, century after century, but in different kinds of sentences.

...you can take comfort that despair is the worst thing he can spring on you. Things can appear to grow worse, but if you conquer despair, no deeper pit remains to trap you.

One who fears failure limits his activities.

If I didn't start painting I would have raised chickens.

Behind every problem in your life is a rich blessing.

People weren't firecrackers who burst into the night sky with brilliance and glory, and a moment later faded away to nothing. Our souls had to be more lasting than that.

We don't want women to really know men, because then they'll find out how much we need them.

I've realized I can't waste any moment being unhappy.

Winter is dead; spring is crazy; summer is cheerful and autumn is wise!

I'm going to teach you the art of swordsmanship-or in other words, how to totally kill someone with a sharp, pointy thing.