Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Advice is a form of Nostalgia

For Satan’s deceptions to be successful, they must be so cunningly devised that his real purpose is concealed by wiles.

With experience comes improvement.

Honor is due to God and to persons of great excellence as a sign of attestation of excellence already existing

Beautiful faces are those that wear — It matters little if dark or fair — Whole-souled honesty printed there.

Very few cinematographers, other than the Europeans, know how to light women like they used to in the old days.

In God's wildness lies the hope of the world.

I've put out kind of a lot of albums and people seem to like it and the crowds keep getting bigger and bigger, so I think maybe I could make a life out of it.

[Moses] probably said to himself, 'Must stop or I shall be getting silly.' That is why there are only ten commandments.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.