Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

One mustn't dream of one's future

A sick thought can devour the body's flesh more than fever or consumption.

You wake up in the morning and you look at your old spoon, and you say to yourself, 'Mick, it's time to get yourself a new spoon.' And you do.

I think that peace will require two states, a Palestinian state that recognizes the Jewish state.

Better the hard truth, I say, than the comforting fantasy. And in the final tolling it often turns out that the facts are more comforting than the fantasy.

There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

When it comes to the point, really bad men are just as rare as really good ones.

The time will come when winter will ask what you were doing all summer.

There's one stereotype in the industry that Asian people aren't funny, I've heard that over and over again.

One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help them find their talents.