When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Experience is the name men give to their follies or their sorrows.

Putting off an easy thing makes it hard. Putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.

L.A. Woman is amazing, but when I was growing up I was into the Who.

Passwords are like underwear: you don’t let people see it, you should change it very often, and you shouldn’t share it with strangers.

I could bear the memory, but I could not bear the music that made the memory such a killing thing.

I think if you live in a country, basically you share the dominant values of a country although you may disagree on issues all the time.

If there is a perfect book to start the year with it has to be Rebecca Mead's My Life in Middlemarch.

Christianity is a myth that has been literalised.

Always follow your heart and have faith in yourself and believe in the Lord and He will believe in you.

Giving Love to Others is Directly Related to How Much Love you Have for Yourself!