What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Science is not a heartless pursuit of objective information it is a creative human activity.

Nobody ever outgrows Scripture; the book widens and deepens with our years.

My mother was a listener. I'm a talker. I'm very comfortable talking.

I am very proud to be an American. This country has so much potential, I'd just like to see things better, or whatever, and I think it will be.

Spiritual leadership is the power to change the atmosphere by one's presence, the unconscious influence that makes Christ and spiritual things real to others.

Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.

I remember the time I said, 'I don't think you love yourself. You need to learn to love yourself.'

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared. Pat Williams When Xavier McDaniel plays against Orlando Wooldridge, it's a coach's dream - X vs O.

I feel like I have to go back to Paris every so often. It just grows on you - the look of the city, the way people hang out there. If you're in Europe, it's good for that.

Don't cheat the world of your contribution. Give it what you've got.