Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

If the universe has an end, it means we are captive fishes in an aquarium! If it has no end, we are lost sheep in the eternal darkness!

There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why.

It cuts one sadly to see the grief of old people; they've no way o' working it off; and the new spring brings no new shoots out on the withered tree.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

Women hand sight down through the generations. Mother to daughter.

The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it.

I'm in a happy place. I'm very at peace with who I am and what I'm doing and the people around me, so I think I'm probably most ambitious at where I am.

I tell kids, don't trust the media. The media with their emphasis on fame is helping to destroy this country, helping destroy the human race. It's the plug-in drug.

Follow your passions, believe in karma, and you won't have to chase your dreams, they will come to you.