There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Humankind seems to have an enormous capacity for savagery, for brutality, for lack of empathy, for lack of compassion.

Where there is yoga, there is prosperity, success, freedom and bliss.

I cashed my first check in the NFL at a cashing joint-uh, I think they laughed at me.

To struggle is difficult but to surrender is easy. Surrender is the beginning of devotion.

NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country.

I am obliged to deal with hundreds of men and to make them live without killing the reader.

I reserve my right to be complex.

Why do a crappy film role when you can do a meaty stage role? and ...I'm not small and curvy and I don't fit the prerequiste for small, passive, sexy chicks.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

When it becomes hard for me not to eat bad food, I try to think about what I have to do and what is ahead of me and what I want to achieve.