There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

You have to live before you die, or you'll die before you live.

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

It won't be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary.

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.

I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

François: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clouseau: Yes, the exploding kind.

Try to keep it simple.

We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: the means to communion with God.... There is a belief missing, that God is good and that he gives good gifts.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Some battles are won with swords and spears, others with quills and ravens.

It is very easy for us to go, you know, "I am being cruel to be kind," when really we are just ... being cruel. Because it makes us feel big, or whatever.

In the final analysis, despite our diversity, there is only one type of vegan -- a person who is committed to and practices a reverence and respect for all life.

I made the mistake of watching "A.I." on cable the week they showed it about 792 times, and I ended up watching it every time it was on.

Some people should die that's just unconscious knowledge.

I think my favorite thing about seasons changing is the opportunity to look different.

A circle is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend!