I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.

You have to live before you die, or you'll die before you live.

There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.

If I can't really find a way to live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to live with me.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

It won't be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

Conversation like television set on honeymoon... unnecessary.

To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.

François: Do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clouseau: Yes, the exploding kind.

Communism is not love. Communism is a hammer which we use to crush the enemy.

One minute you're a slug and the next minute you're a hero, so you don't know what to think.

people with a sense of fulfillment think it is a good world and would like to conserve it as it is, while the frustrated favor radical change.

I was no party man myself, and the first wish of my heart was, if parties did exist, to reconcile them.

Seldom do we talk of ourselves with success. If I condemn myself, more is believed than is expressed; if I praise myself, much less.

A thing named is a thing tamed.

And when we would make much of that which cannot matter much to thee, forgive us -a frequent part of the prayer that opened sermons.

Notoriety is cheap. It's just easier to get noticed by doing something bad.

I would bet there is no place in the United States where the First Amendment would survive intact.

My wretched dragon is perplexed.