I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

I would remember this as one of those moments in life that I can hold onto and smile about, forever.

Of course, you didn't want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

No slavery can be abolished without a double emancipation, and the master will benefit by freedom more than the freed-man.

Moving makes you feel all alone inside.

What kind of nation are we when we give tax breaks to billionaires, but we can't take care of the elderly and the children.

I hate men who are in touch with their feminine side.

Optimism can keep a fool from accepting failure.

Depraved conscience turns out to be as different from genuine ignorance as it is from honest recognition.

I just always felt I'd be playing football in the NFL - or at least playing for a living.

I treated it like every day was my last day with a basketball.