There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

To see the unseen, you must see through the beauty of love.

Even when I was an engineer, I was a comic on my job. At birthday and holiday parties, I was the one scheduling and emceeing. If you work on your gift, and you're good, it will shine through.

A lot of artists have really been supportive over the years.

Nothing keeps. There is one law in the universe: NOW.

If you're smart, you'll always be humble. You can learn all you want, but there'll always be somebody who's never read a book who'll know twice what you know.

You can probably ask my husband, and he might tell you differently, but I feel very much like I'm kind of cautious in my real life.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

A team can't work when a guy puts himself in front of a team. I have yet to be on a team like that.

Once I asked Teichman what he thought of Bird's chess: "Same as his health," he replied, "always alternating between being dangerously ill and dangerously well."

I tell ye true, liberty is the best of all things; never live beneath the noose of a servile halter.