The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Nature never did betrayThe heart that loved her.

Screw pretty. I'd rather be strong. Pretty fades over time. Strength gets you through the bad shit.

Good planning avoids the need for fixing up a project that plowed ahead without thought... about potential pitfalls.

I said, to be a New Yorker you have to live here for six months, and if at the end of the six months you find you walk faster, talk faster, think faster, you're a New Yorker.

...approach change with an understanding of the process and an openness to the pain.

God never leads anyone anywhere for money.

The true word of God is written in our heart.

You kids shouldn't play so rough . . . somebody's gonna start crying.

The heart is its own Fate.

I have no idea what's going on in television because I really don't look at it.