The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

It is culture that is the bully."

Johnny Appleseed was revered . . he was . . . an evangelist (of a doctrine veering perilously close to pantheism).

Really? We always have a choice, do we? What about the choices that other people make that end up completely changing your life, not theirs? Where is our choice there, then?

No one ever tells you that: that there’s no method. Writing’s a lawless place.

You should not quarrel with your neighbour, for he will remain where he is, but your high handedness will become the talk of the people.

Novelty does not require intelligence, but ignorance, which is why the young excel in this branch.

Would I like to be the lead girl? Who wouldn't?

The video camera dominates art. It's a bore, it makes everything look a bit the same. If you look at things with a pencil and paper in your hand, you are going to see far more.

You know, you have to put bread on the table. So you thank God you got the job.

Books minister to our knowledge, to our guidance, and to our delight, by their truth, their uprightness, and their art.