The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

When I was young, I thought I was a bird at one time. Then they told me I can't fly, so I stopped flying.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

Every year of my working life, I have been fortunate enough to earn more money than I have spent.

No two men are just alike. Every new life is a new thing under the sun; there has never been anything like it before, and never will be again.

I grew up doing theater when I was very young - always enjoyed it.

One's faith is kept alive as one occasionally meets a realized ideal of better human relations.

I want to change the system from within the system. And that means focusing and specializing.

So in life, some enter the services of fame and others money, but the best choice is that of those few who spend their time in the contemplation of nature, and as lovers of wisdom.

I don't want to be a playwright, I want to be a rock and roll star.

When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.