Jack Benny Quotes
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with Prudential. All I can say is: When I go they go!
