Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

Anything beautiful now was just a thought yesterday.

She wanted to reach up to the night and dig her fingers into it, beg it to stay just a little bit longer.

I couldn't forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified.

If only I could so live and so serve the world that after me there should never again be birds in cages.

Government has ceased to mean upholding and reinforcing the traditional rights and morals of the governed; it now means compulsion in the service of social engineering.

The forest is a quiet place if only the best birds sing.

I was always the ugly duckling; I never got attention from girls.

No one has the right to be sorry for himself for a misfortune that strikes everyone.

There are so many layers of bullshit and everything sounds the same.

I think if you want good things to happen for a country like Haiti, then you need to provide the circumstances where the Haitians can do that.