Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

Life is not about reasons, explanations, interpretations, or solutions. It's all about actions and reactions.

Till the chit is in blissful state, the world does not come in one's remembrance (one forgets the world till that time).

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

Bullfighting can be an art Boxing can be an art Loving can be an art Opening a can of sardines can be an art

It opens Wednesday or Friday.

To suggest that conservatives have a monopoly on hate is an ideological mugging of reality.

Art does not want the representation of a beautiful thing, but the representation of something beautiful.

Life marks us all down, so it's just as well that we start out by overpricing ourselves.

To survive and succeed, every organization will have to turn itself into a change agent

In our days of prosperity it is more difficult to sustain a religious spirit than in times of adversity, because we are apt to forget that God who has bountifully given may also take away.