Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Isn't that the tragic thing about women? That we live on long after our passions have died?

I leaned back and glimpsed the stars, the same stories again but written in the sky.

Jesus Christ shed His blood so we could have a life filled with victories

It is impossible to read this opening paragraph without an involuntary feeling of religious awe

I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.

I was a corporate trouble-shooter for many years, and I know what it is like to walk very carefully into a hostile environment.

Sincerity is that whereby self-completion is effected, and its way is that by which man must direct himself.

Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.

But I would defy anyone to go back over the years and tell me anyone whose career I've ruined, anyone whom I've driven out of the service, anyone I've fired from a job.

We are a people whom Allah gave might and glory to through Islam, so we will never seek glory through anything else.