Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

For as long as I can remember, I've had memories.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

You got f*cked over no doubt about it, but you did nothing wrong. It’s time you stop paying for their shit.

I think some people are on a mission to die, and I never was.

One cannot underestimate how widely admired Tom Daschle is in Washington for his integrity.

How do you commemorate a year? A paper anniversary, but we are the words written down, not the paper.

jokes are used to hide the truth!

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Monogamous heterosexual love is probably one of the most difficult, complex and demanding of human relationships.

I've had watermelon hair where I had pink with green tips. From the age of 13 to about 19 or 20, I never had my real hair color.

Tis on the living Envy feeds. She silent grows When, after death, man's honor is his guard. So I, when on the pyre consumed I lie, Shall live, for all that's noblest will survive.

Maybe life is a process of trading hopes for memories.