A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Fifty years, " I hackneyed, "is a long time.""Not when you're looking back at them, " she said. "You wonder how they vanished so quickly.

The pendulum wall clock ticked and the ancient refrigerator clicked on. From outside came the low mooing of a cow. Such peace, thought Emily.

It was one of those perfect summer days - the sun was shining a breeze was blowing the birds were singing and the lawnmower was broken.

I'm pretty easy going, I think.

You only get to keep what you give away.

I've been lucky enough to primarily work for myself over the years.

Love consists not in feeling great things but in having great detachment and in suffering for the Beloved.

Moral result can only be produced by moral restraints.

Secession is a deeply American principle. This country was born through secession.

Collective will supplants individual whim