Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Helen's books were her friends, "the kind you invite for dinner in the middle of winter, " she'd told him, " and spend all night talking and never go to bed.

The central theme of the universe is the purpose and destiny of every individual. Every person is important in God’s eyes.

We love our planet Earth. We should - it is our home, and there's no place like home. There can't ever be a better place than Earth.

Feeling the movement of movements is wandering to the past or future. Living in the movements of movement is being in the present.

We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions

Memories are simply moments that refuse to be ordinary.

The message is clear: By all means become an abomination -- but only while unhinged by grief or wrath.

One should always avoid unnecessary unhappiness. Especially if one is an immortal. They taught us that in school.

What are you up to?" "I was trying to climb that tree. But I fell. Now I'm bored.

You don't even really get used to doing scenes where you have to kiss, or be particularly intimate, with another person who's not actually your lover in real life.