Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Appreciate the daily miracles of life.

Always allocate enough time to pursue the things that are of value to you.

Love loves anarchy. It loves to wreak havoc. It loves to dance atop the ruins.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

I don't like the way my teeth protrude. I'm going to have them done, but I just haven't had the time. Apart from that... I'm perfect.

We have to be realistic about what the state can afford, and put an end to abuses of the system that cost millions.

Proverbs may be said to be the abridgment of wisdom.

The richest treasure God has for you are the people in your life. Give thanks and don't take them for granted.

The Story of Solomon is the only way I know how to explain. And then, in smaller letters: Forgive me.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.