I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

Fear not! The Lord will rescue and deliver you.

When you change your level of consciousness and awareness, the situation around you will change with joy.

Being generous without keeping score strengthens your spirit, keeps you focused on the people who make your business what it is, and helps breed success.

Being present means being completely aware of all that is. It means you’re not in denial, you’re not pretending, and you’re not avoiding.

When we build a public library, we don't have to pay to get in, but when we build a stadium, we have to pay the owner every time we go to a game.

I'm sorry, but chick fights are sexy. If you don't think so, you're either an uptight woman or a lying man.

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.

The entertainment person gets a certain credibility, and the politician gets a certain notoriety. I'm against it.

Oh and P.S.? I am in dire need of more coffee. Industrial strength.

A leader is admired, a boss is feared.