Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

Expect nothing but be ready for everything.

One person can keep a secret, but not two.

There must be no coercion in matters of faith!

It's just a matter of time before we're late.

I'd like to live in a world where people embrace objective truths rather than be offended by them.

As long as we have to administer the law we must do so according to the law as it is. We are not here to make the law.

I thought I could get everyone's attention by coming up with something that's provocative.

Go in close, and when you think you are too close, go in closer.

I think women secretly yearn for the return of John Wayne and don't even know it.

People look at you and me to see what they are supposed to be. And, if we don't disappoint them, maybe, just maybe, they won't disappoint us.