Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

November 20th, 2013. A new beginning. A new day. Reborn. Time to grow. Hello world! I am yours. Feed me, I am full of curiosity. Awakened.

Idleness is the beginning of all vice, the crown of all virtues.

Small kindnesses small courtesies small considerations habitually practiced in our social intercourse give a greater charm to the character than the display of great talents and accomplishments.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

Acquire Riches by Industry and Frugality.

Probably more than anything else, the place that we really see the effects of the power of even the relatively mild temperature increases so far is in the melting of everything frozen on the planet.

There are no permanent alliances, only permanent interests.

One of the beautiful things about the idea of living forever is what that does to your soul and how it changes you.

We have to be careful of not injecting more uncertainty than economy can handle

She would always be my biggest what if.