Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Trust the faith everything will be okay.

Learn from the past, live in the present and create your future.

I don't have to try to be perfect at everything.

It's not a revolution if nobody loses

Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.

Those who build and perpetuate mediocrity...are motivated more by the fear of being left behind.

You're not just this person who's from your own specific experiences, but the collective experience of what makes you who you are because of time.

If I work with a bad actor, my reaction is to immediately become worse than they are.

There are huge challenges ahead for this country but also huge opportunities. We can make this country stronger and fairer.