My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age.Nothing does --- except wrinkles.It's true, some wines improves with age.But only if the grapes were good in the first place

Spanking a child is about the parent not the child. The child will learn more from positive correction than physical manipulation.

There are as many atoms in one molecule of DNA as there are stars in a typical galaxy.

Sorrows come to stretch out places in the heart for joy.

So that is new in terms of where I've seen the shifts. Otherwise, it's all about taste and taste just keeps going round and round and round.

You cant put the toothpaste back in the tube.

When I was a kid, like 14 or 15, I played with the waiters from the hotel, 'cause that was the best game. And these guys, they'd let me play. And they were black guys.

You can't have many exclamation points left,' thought Anne, 'but no doubt the supply of italics is inexhaustible.

The biblical story of Noah can be found in the book of Genesis.

That night I dreamed of turduckens.