I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Together, "Light and Knowledge" are Inanimate, Intangible, and Inseparable.

Kissing don't last: cookery do !

Overall, the challenge of leadership is both moral and one of developing the characteristics that make us respected by one another.

He was an innovator, an experimenter, a missionary in bringing the gospel of good cooking to the home table.

I still have the art projects my kids made for me 20 years ago. I cherish them, crude and silly as some of them may be.

A real man has no tougher judge than himself.

In the draft plan, we're looking at recycling 20 percent of our garbage by 2010.

I think the fakest thing in the world is to judge someone on how they look.

[on Kendrick Lamar] The new king of the West Coast.

The tone is in your fingers, not in your amp or effects.