If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Everything looks for you when you become great

When you explore your fears then you set yourself free.

First, you've got to get the job. "Yeah, I can do it," I would say. When I was a kid, I could do anything. Lucky nobody ever asked me if I could fly a jet plane.

Humans often fail to see what is close to them and obvious to others.

For our past can be a prison we are locked in permanently, or it can be the key to our freedom if we glean the lessons from it and deal with it directly.

The job of the school is to teach so well that family background is no longer an issue.

We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us.

Faith is not a reliable path to the truth.

the desire to enforce our own moral and spiritual criteria upon posterity is quite as strong as the desire to enforce them upon contemporaries.