That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

This is life! It can harden and it can exalt!

Do your best when no one is looking. If you do that, then you can be successful at anything you put your mind to

Writers should be able to fully deduct from their taxes all writing-related expenses, including alcohol, parking tickets, court judgments, fines for lewd public behavior, Zoloft, and cigarettes.

You cannot heal what you cannot feel

The first amendment ensures not that speech will be fair, but that it will be free. It cannot be both.

The true, unacknowledged purpose of capital punishment is to inspire fear and awe -- fear and awe of the State.

Music makes me want to dance but I'm not sure that's something anybody wants to observe.

Before, I was more concerned with getting on the radio, like many young artists.

My father, a fine chess player himself, has been a massive influence throughout my life.

It's alright to feel fear, but sometimes a very bad idea to show it.