For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Technology is cool, but you've got to use it as opposed to letting it use you.

A lot of people assume that creating software is purely a solitary activity where you sit in an office with the door closed all day and write lots of code.

The universe works with you and for you. It is not your enemy.

If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.

When you find a guy who is powerful, a big father figure, you latch onto him immediately.

It's better for me to go up against someone's passion with my passion and then clarifying something that he wrote. Then I know how to work around certain things.

He glosses over and doesn't even tell the truth....Here is a guy who is the ultimate flip-flopper running for president, and he's attacking me for not being principled? That doesn't wash.

If someone does me injury I must desire that this injury shall not degrade me. I must desire this out of love for him who inflicts it, in order that he may not really have done evil.

I hope somebody hits .400 soon. Then people can start pestering that guy with questions about the last guy to hit .400.