I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Disconnect from society’s pressure to conform. Do things your own way.

Having instant feedback on twitter to research material I'm considering is an enormous help.

If there's a deadline, I work late. If not, I like to have normal hours, and get up early and work. When things are going well, I hate to quit. And then I'll work 'till exhausted.

I am tired in the Lord's work, but not tired of it.

I've paid for more pianos in hotel lobbies than you can imagine.

North America was ready for something other than a vanilla cooking show and we were providing the double dark chocolate fudge.

When I think of the Olympics I only think of good things. I think of what a great event it is and what it has done for me and my career, and changed my personal life, too.

I should only ever tell the king what he ought to do, not what he could do. For if the lion knows his own strength, no man could control him.

There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'.

There can be no theory of any account unless it corroborate with the theory of the earth.