My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You? Harmless?” Tam snorted. “What? You don’t think I could pull it off?” Aiden accused. “Well, the fact that you’re practically a walking armory had me convinced otherwise.

I tell everyone who asks me about writing...almost everyone has an idea for a book, and some even have a great ending, but it's that 290 or so pages in between that are tough!

We see a lot of people who decide to go out and teach meditation. They become so wrapped up in it that they stop progressing themselves and they really don't have that much more to teach.

Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix." Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that.

To understand one thing well is better than understanding many things by halves.

Whoever governs Singapore must have that iron in him. Or give it up. This is not a game of cards.

Courage is the most important of all the virtues, without it, you can practice no other.

I realize the answer is not to create wilderness and walk away.

As with most consensual crimes, this prohibition of hemp is both silly and sinister.

I like radio better than television because if you make a mistake on radio, they don't know. You can make up anything on the radio.