Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.

Hope is an investment that never fails the investor

I may not be old but I’m too old to have this much nothing

Life is neither good or evil, but only a place for good and evil.

I tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find in it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh.

Pulling out the chair beneath your mind And watching you fall upon God What else is there for Hafiz to do that is any fun in this world!

It's what people create that makes my heart stop.

We do ourselves the most good doing something for others.

I think that standup has always been an acquired taste and there was always only a handful of performers that were really inspired.

I saw an interview with Jay-Z where he said he didn't write down any of his lyrics, so I tried that.

You can't tell what a man is like or what he is thinking when you are looking at him. You must get around behind him and see what he has been looking at.