Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, all sky.

All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.

My parents only had one argument in 45 years. It lasted 43 years.

I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, Did you know it's time for your annual check-up? No, but now my mailman does.

Makeup is such a weird concept. I'll wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. 'Gee, I really don't look so good. Maybe if my eyelids were blue, I'd be more attractive.

Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.

I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other on a individual basis.

I don't have any kids. Well, at least none I know about.

Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.

He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James

I was dreaming of Craig Carton.

I want to bring that childlike approach every night - just go out there and have fun. I want to play like a kid, for fun but with intensity. Play to win.

Regardless of what the tour pros think, golf is a rich and varied game, and what all of us awkward fools do on weekends is what golf is truly all about.

Myth is supposed to bring us together, but fantasy alienates us.

If you want to meet girls, by far the best method is to carry a baby or a puppy.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.

I never set out to be part of a genre, because I listen to all types of music.