Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

A few blossoms float into the room. They drop like frayed yellow ribbons on the gray carpet.

In history as in human life, regret does not bring back a lost moment and a thousand years will not recover something lost in a single hour.

History, as an entirety, could only exist in the eyes of an observer outside it and outside the world. History only exists, in the final analysis, for God.

It is your birthright to discover your sacred contract. It will guide you to find your divine destiny.

Mortals grow swiftly in misfortune.

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I am my own entourage!

Can love be controll'd by advice?

Outlier are those who have been given opportunities-- -and who have had the strength and presence of mind to seize them.

God will have life to be real; we will be damned, but it shall be theatrical.