It really drives me banana sangwich.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Since extra-sensory perception (ESP) is awareness of the world beyond the senses, it would be inappropriate to term this Sixth Sense ‘extrasensory’.

Nothing is more hackneyed than the liberal dogma that shock value confers automatic importance on an artwork.

I get sent Bibles. I have a collection of about 20 in my room. People think I need to be guided.

I do not know if it is true that all actors want to direct and all directors want to act, but in 1972 I tried directing and decided I had better stick to acting.

The Great Commission will not get done if we’re not ready to risk our lives and the lives of our family.

If you have a story of grace, then you have a story of grace to tell.

You are living in a dream of your own creation. Let it be the dream of a lifetime, for that is exactly what it is.

Feminism is an attack on social practices and habits of thought that keep women and men boxed into gender roles that are harmful.

I can tell you that my experience has been that the gentlemen are more likely to come and ask for the order, ask for the raise, ask for the promotion, and that the women are less likely to do so.

Many of the opposition [to the new Federal Constitution] wish to take from Congress the power of internal taxation. Calculation has convinced me that this would be very mischievous.