If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Faith and beliefs are the common things in all religion, so God is the faith and the belief without exception.

No man can use his Bible with power unless he has the character of Jesus in his heart.

The plastic surgery issue is really looming because girls in the U.S. are getting it in their teens.

Practice love first on animals, they are more sensitive.

It is the tyranny of hidden prejudices that makes us deaf to what speaks to us in tradition.

Success is made of 99% failure.

If real development is to take place, the people have to be involved.

Work only a half a day. It makes no difference which half-the first 12 hours or the last 12 hours.

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.

You know, my friends, with what a brave carouse I made a Second Marriage in my house; favored old barren reason from my bed, and took the daughter of the vine to spouse.