If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Make today worth remembering.

To not say all that can be said is the secret of discipline and economy.

What would it be like to hold a different girl?

It is commonly seen by experience that excellent memories do often accompany weak judgements.

Dare, dream, dance, smile, and sing loudly! And have faith that love is an unstoppable force!

The delusional is no longer marginal.

Being a good neighbor is an art which makes life richer.

I realized eventually that if I was really on top of what I was doing, I should be able to make photographs out of almost anything.

If you look at total numbers in the working and middle class, men still on average make more than women.

You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.