I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them.

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

The American people are growing extremely unhappy with establishment politics, with establishment economics, and you know what else? Even with establishment media.

One time I tried to marry a chicken.

Keeping your family together is an extraordinary feat - especially in the face of great conflict.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

Savages and modern artists are alike strangely driven to create something uglier than themselves. but the artists find it harder.

The only way for errors to occur in a program is by being put there by the author. No other mechanisms are known. Programs can't acquire bugs by sitting around with other buggy programs.

Images have been reproached for being a way of watching suffering at a distance, as if there were some other way of watching.

I would have been a Republican, if Karl Rove had returned my phone calls.