I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I fell in love with you because there was a mischief in your eyes.

A man who finds no satisfaction in himself seeks for it in vain elsewhere.

I think most of the time you can make something happen, and it's about not letting your imagination be limited by that.

Would Shakespeare and Raleigh have done their best, would that galaxy have shone so bright in the heavens had there been no Elizabeth on the throne?

Water from the white fountain didn't taste any better than from the black fountain.

The world has changed. I see it in the water. I feel it in the Earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, For none now live who remember it.

Remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven.

Sometimes it’s gin or sometimes it’s some champagne, and sometimes I go on stage with nothing at all. I’m turnt up, naturally.

The only thing I ever really care about is animals - animal causes. I don't really care about people that much, but animals I feel like they always need to be protected.

I just drove past Brad Paisley jogging down the side of the road. I rolled down the window and screamed RUN FORREST RUN. I live for….. little moments…..like that.